What I’ve learned after 5 years of being away from my home and family
The grass is not always greener on the other side
For the past 5 years, I‘ve lived in Canada for 4 years, Japan for a year, and traveled solo and with friends across continents ranging from a weekend to 2 months.
Rewinding back to December 2018: It was more than a month since I came back to Malaysia. But I was still unemployed, enjoying every passing day in my humble abode chilling with my family, doing the things I like to do every day while scouting around locally looking for opportunities that align with my passion and values.
People are constantly asking me where I’m headed to next, what grand adventure awaits; but this time I’m actually choosing to stay at home for a while, for now, however surprising it may sound to some.
Yes, I’ve realized that the grass is not always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
Every patch of grass has its potential to be healthy and rich, so it’s how we wanna perceive the situation and make the best out of every circumstance.
In fact, once you get up close to the other side, you’ll see that although the weeds might be different, you’ll still have to deal with them as well.
I rationalized that I was just a wanderlust and my desire to be constantly moving about and staying as far away as possible from home were because I was being open to new experiences and growth opportunities, hoping that it will eventually lead me to find my purpose in life.
But TBH, I was just escaping from the truth- that I was never contented with who I was and where I’m at. I constantly blamed the environment every time I’ve lapsed, rather than accepting my flaws and addressing the root cause of my problems(e.g. my OCD with food and exercise, FOMO etc.). I was always hustling for worthiness and perfectionism, in order to numb the “I'm not good enough because I’m not doing enough” or “I don’t deserve all these blessings because I’m not good enough” feelings. I needed to be ‘_____’ enough to feel belonged. I wanted to control what people thought of me. I also didn’t wanna be seen as the rich spoiled kid who’s not capable enough to live out on her own.
“Our society seems to measure the value of people’s contributions (and sometimes their entire lives) by their level of public recognition. In other words, worth is measured by fame and fortune. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous with meaningless.”
This quote explains why we are all striving to be “influencers”, and to be an “influencer”, one has to be doing extraordinary things and be the best among the rest.
Nowadays with social media too, we not only have to have the best within the group but also be the best among the whole human population.
Essentially, it’s the belief that “success is to be just like everyone else, but better”. Not surprisingly, that’s why we’re all subtly trying to compete and outrun each other, thinking that’s the only way we can find acceptance and meaning in our lives.
Hence, this time I’m taking a different route to challenge myself. I’m choosing to pursue stillness and simplicity instead; letting go of who I think people want me to be and creating a space for myself to contemplate on my values, doing the things that makes me come alive every day. To just BE.
And it is through allowing myself this moment of ‘respite’, that I’m able to analyze my past and reflect on how my experiences have brought me to where I’m at, and have shaped me to whom I am today.
Making a conscious effort to practice more courage and compassion; and to fully experience real connection and belonging, intentional wholehearted living.
Now I shall present to you, a record of my takeaways (Part I):
The value of technology (the Internet, smartphones, apps etc.)
Technology has been getting a bad rep nowadays. We’re bombarded with a shit load of information, yet we’re starving for wisdom. We’re acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons. We fall prey into internet addiction thinking it leads us to form social connections but we’re actually avoiding the hard truth of how we really feel- isolated and depressed. However, using technology with the right intention can actually bring about some benefits.
In my case for example:
Without Skype/Facetime, I wouldn't be able to communicate with my friends and family back home. Moreover, the last thing you wanna experience is to come back home excited to see them again only to find out that they have already left this world to a better place.
Without Google Maps and transportation, I’ll take half of my trips finding my way around aimlessly, stressing myself out trying to figure out how to navigate with a map rather than being able to enjoy while I explore beautiful places across the globe.
I can also justify the need for a camera, FB, Instagram etc., and I’m sure you guys can resonate……
Though If I really think about it, not having all of these do make me more present and aware of the current surrounding, to really SEE and appreciate things as they are.
So I guess it’s still up for debate for this one lol.
The value of minimalism
“Minimalism is not about having less, It’s about making room for more of what matters.”
When I was often packing and moving about within Canada(life of an immigrant), I realized how much stuff I have that most of it I’ve barely or have ever used (kitchen gadgets, clothes, books etc.). I spent lots of time and energy packing and sorting all these possessions, and stressing over whether I can ever find the time to use it because I didn't wanna put my purchases to waste. I did not want to experience the feeling of guilt and being perceived as someone who is not strong enough to control her desires or someone who can’t seem to persevere through and try to get her shit together.
Though let’s be honest here, none of us know what we’re doing most of the time anyway.
Basically, the things that I owned, ended up owning me and my state of mind.
I felt so lost and unhappy, overwhelmed with too many choices; yet I still tried to distract myself by telling myself I needed more. Thus, having to pack all my stuff(a.k.a my life) from Canada into two 23kg bags(cause’, baggage limit) really forces me to prioritize what really matters and what doesn't, literally and figuratively(e.g. keeping my yoga mat because I want to move forward with my yoga journey and throwing away my $200 calculus textbook because even looking at it gives me a headache urgh)
The value of health
“It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.” — Mahatma Gandhi
Most of us already know the ‘how to’s’ for staying healthy (e.g. eat more whole food and less processed foods, exercise, sleep, meditate), yet we don’t do it. Otherwise, we think that health encompasses of just looking good physically and so we neglect other aspects of health (e.g. mental, spiritual, intellectual) but all these aspects are actually interconnected and influence overall wellbeing.
We try to rationalize ourselves to think there are more important tasks to use our time with(e.g. keeping up with the Kardashians on social media) or, we pride in the jeopardous mentality of YOLO(instant gratification rather than delayed gratification), and those who pay attention to their health are seen as selfish, boring and old. A party pooper essentially.
We don’t see how our health and wellbeing are the core essence of living a good life(which encompasses of peace with self and with others) because we’re so engrossed with the thought that wealth and constant ‘doing’ is the path to our happiness.
So when we get sick(physically or mentally), we blame it on our external environment(weather, boss etc.) and justify the need for money to purchase pills and medical consultations, which in fact could be easily alleviated with natural remedies or prevented in the first place if one has healthy daily self-care habits.
I personally try to sleep 8 hours a day from 11 pm–7 am, regardless whether its a weekday or a weekend. I don’t play drinking games or go out for happy hours. I avoid fast food at all cost. I block out time for yoga or exercising every day. I rather read and write than Netflix and chill. Though I’m not saying that I’m now at my perfect state of health; heck my inner critic tells me I’m far from that. For I still get random symptoms of FOMO, overindulge in food or worry over tiny matters and stress myself out. But at least I am aware when I get sidetracked and work to get myself walking on the path again.
The value of hand-written notes and cards
“You get fuller by seeding others.”
“I’m too busy to write cards, moreover, I don’t wanna be perceived as childish or too cheap to buy a ‘proper’ gift.” — my assumption to why the act of homemade card-giving is waning in our society.
For me, one of the best parts about leaving a place/community is that it drives me to really evaluate who are the people who have made an impact in my life and show them my appreciation for what they have done for me.
I usually start off by writing down the names of all the people that I’ve encountered, or at least the ones I remember. I know some people think that’s weird (cause’ people actually commented so), but I see it as a way to keep track of my relationships in order to be able to introspect clearly on each relationship.
Writing card impels me to be grateful for my circumstances and be hopeful for the next move; although it's filled with uncertainty, knowing that there are always people out there looking out for me.
It encourages me to be humble, knowing that I cannot do everything alone and that the world does not revolve around me alone.
Moreover, I understand how it feels to be on the receiving end too; to know that you are being acknowledged.
For whenever I feel that I’m useless or nobody ‘sees’ me, I can always look at these cards for comfort and reassurance, which instantly triggers a warm feeling inside of me.
The value of family
“You have the time to go out and make other people fall in love with you, but you don’t have time to pay attention to the one who already does. Value your Family!” — Sumeer A Dhammy
Part of the reason why I left home: I wanted to get out of my comfort zone, meet as many new people as I can, get rich, find my soul mate and live happily ever after…because living with your family forever is lame and immature, a ‘failure’- or so they say.
This stemmed into major FOMO and FOPO for me, further enhanced by hearing quotes such as “Your network is your net worth”. I felt like I had to be continually pleasing others and conforming to their ideas and opinions, making decisions and reacting subconsciously based on that thought, thus never truly doing things for my own good.
Moreover, before I left I felt that my family didn’t understand me, so I needed that external source of validation. But after realizing the importance of family and choosing to come into good terms with my sister and family, they became my confidante rather than my enemy.
People whom I can tell my story to with no shame and whom I can trust not to leave me no matter what I do or who I am.
Surrounded by people who love me just as I love them, that’s enough to be grateful for every day.
The value of a few close friends
“Family is not about blood. It’s about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most.”
Ok, so as I mentioned above, family is everything.
But family doesn't always have to be blood-related.
In my case, when I didn't have a ‘family’ per se when I was abroad, ‘family’ then, consisted of a group of friends that makes me feel at ease when I’m anxious, encourages me when I'm uncertain, motivates me when I felt belittled, and allows me to share with them my joy and sadness.
You know who you are:)
The value of a good workplace environment
“When you’re young, work to learn, not to earn.”
Some of the positions I’ve worked for while I was in Canada: Cafe Server, Brand Ambassador, Food Scientist, Ice-Cream Scooper, Kitchen Helper, Retail and Service Member, and General Intern.
Not gonna list out every task I did and things I’ve learned from each job (If you’re interested I can send you a separate resume for that lol); rather, I would like to emphasize the importance of:
- Knowing your intention for taking up a job and whether it aligns with your values and future goals.
For example: If you’re motivated to take a job because you get to eat free ice-cream 24/7, yet you know you‘re a huge sucker for sweets and boundaries doesn’t exist in that realm for you……Don’t try to justify that this job is gonna take you one step closer towards building your repertoire in the industry you’re looking to get into in the future, so it’s worth sacrificing your health for that.
In this case, it’s also time to re-evaluate whether your future goals are actually aligned with your values and whether your values are truly yours or what other’s think you should have.
2. Being able to evaluate whether you should continue a job and pursue a particular industry based on how you are affected by your workplace environment.
Again, If you’re constantly overworked, feeling under-appreciated by bosses and colleague that only criticizes and never compliments, being assigned to do mundane and trivial task all the time……essentially when your gut intuition is telling you to GET OUT, trust that feeling and know that you deserve better.
The value of human interactions (Good and bad)
“We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same.” — Anne Frank
The more people we interact with, the more we’ll understand that there are so many differences between every human shaped by their own unique personal experiences(opinions, religion, culture etc.), yet oddly enough we’re also very similar- we live and we die; we’re motivated by ultimate freedom and happiness……
We’re all trying to do what we think is best in life, but understand that ‘best’ is different for everyone.
The more we understand this fact, the more we can accept differences between individuals and display more compassion toward another human being. Naturally, we would treat other the way we would want to be treated.
Every person we meet can be your teacher. What can we learn from them? We can learn something about life in general based on other people’s experiences or something about ourselves. Moreover, when we encounter a ‘difficult’ person, think about why the person irks us- as sometimes it can highlight what we need to heal within ourselves. Often when we criticize or blame others, we’re avoiding some truth about ourselves that we’re scared or ashamed of.
For example, I get annoyed easily when I encounter ladies who are naturally tall and slim, who seem to get all the attention and have their lives all figured out. After much thought, I realized it’s because I yearned for what they have- which stemmed into jealousy as I felt that no matter how much I do, I still could not achieve all these for myself. So now every time I caught myself in a similar situation, I force myself to look inwards and be grateful; not letting my emotions take over my actions, responding instead with respect and kindness.
The value of solitude
“Great men are like eagles, and build their nest on some lofty solitude.” — Arthur Schopenhauer
Essentially, greatness can’t be achieved If one isn’t able to embrace solitude.
In some sense, solitude means being alone; and ‘being alone’ is confused with ‘being lonely’- definitely something we all fear in life (whether we like to admit it or not, it’s just human nature).
However, the difference between loneliness and solitude is that —
Being solitary is being alone well: it is a conscious effort to being alone luxuriously immersed in the doings of your own choice.
Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.
And it becomes an achievement when one can embrace the fullness of one’s presence rather than of the absence of others.
Naturally more inclined towards my introverted side, I tend to relish the moments where I can be alone. Based on my experience, solitude has —
- Allowed me to step back and pay attention to small pleasures in life
- Taught me to be resilient and independent
- Strengthen my character. Because when it’s just me and reality, I can be honest and take responsibility for myself; I no longer can blame or take advantage of anyone else.
- Helped me better understand humanity and build better relationships with myself and others
- Stimulated creativity and provide ideas from solving problems to creating and contributing.
- Provided me moments of respite where I can do anything I fancy without having to worry about accommodating others or what other people think, a time where I can strip off completely (literally and figuratively)
We need society, and we need solitude also, as we need summer and winter, day and night, exercise and rest.
Stay with me here! I know it’s a long post so I appreciate your patience to read it till the end. What can I say? Many things can happen and change within 5 years! In fact, I say “Part I” because there is still much more than this that I’ve reflected upon and that I would like to share as well. But I’ll spare you the ‘torture’ and I’ll leave that for another day because I understand you have #shortattentionspansyndrome
Regardless if anything, the greatest lesson I hope you can take away would be:
We all have the same goodness, light, and truth within and we don’t need the lie telling us we need an external source to make us the best version of ourselves. The best comes from within us. We are our greatest resources.
Courage, clarity, inner strength, detachment from drama and trauma, confidence, peace, calm, wisdom, connection etc.
We are in charge of everything that has to do with ourselves. We can make decisions for ourselves(right and wrong) contrary to what other people think, and we are capable to learn as we go on our own journey in life.
It is especially helpful too to ask yourself before every decision:
“What is the intention behind this? “
Because when you own your intentions, you own your life.
Wishing you health, peace, and happiness=)
Instagram: @Thesunyogii