The reasons why I’m still single yet…unavailable

And perhaps all the single ladies (or guys) could relate

I look at my friends around me who are single and I wonder:

Why are they still single when they are attractive, successful, lovable and seemingly so capable of having any guy(or companionship) that she wants?

Is it really true when we tell people that:

“I just don’t have enough time for romance”

“He’s not the right guy, it’s not the right moment”

“I’m an independent woman and I don’t need a man to be happy” etc.

Or is there actually an underlying fear or trauma that is holding us back from having (romantic/intimate) relationships?

We all have this idea of an ideal guy for us, but when we meet this ideal guy we convince ourselves we do not match up to that ideal to be a match for him. And we continue to reason that we have all these flaws and that we have to better ourselves first before we can be with them.

Or, when we found a guy that we’ve convinced ourselves we are not interested in already at the start, we can be comfortable with him and and be ourselves; but we don’t allow the relationship to develop into a romantic relationship because we’re afraid it might get awkward or we really can’t see him that way.

Speaking from my own experience (and expanding from a previous related article of mine):

I’m afraid of going on dates.

I seldom allow the chance for people to ask me out (first dates). I avoid situations where people can start to develop feelings for me or get too close to me (second and beyond).

How would I look in real life compared to my profile online? Should I dress up? But if I dress up he won’t see the side of me that doesn’t dress this way 99% of the time. Oh gosh, and what if I accidentally stain my clothes when we’re eating? Would he think of me as uncouth?

I’m unsure whether I should flirt or give any hints during the date. What is too little or too much? Do I really like this person or is it to make the person say he’s interested solely for the sake of curiosity of what this person really thinks of me (clearly a better way to explain myself when in reality I just want to get that ego boost which I don’t want to admit because of my fucking ego)? Even if I really like this person, am I making the other person uncomfortable if I make the first move?

Gosh the thoughts that keeps me up at night……

I’m afraid I might disappoint and ruin someone’s day as I might not sound as glorious as my dating profile.

I’m not a saint. I’m not smiley all the time. I’m not as cultured or adventurous as what my picture seems. My life is not as exciting or filled with exhilaration as I want it to be. I don’t always look the same because it might happen that on the day I meet you I might have eaten a heavy meal and I look fat and bloated. Or I might have acne. Dandruff. Eye shit stuck at the corner of my eyes. I might look like I’ve got all my shit together (because I’ve got a picture of my graduation ceremony-that’s success no?) and I might sound wise for my age (just because I copied a quote from Albert Einstein and paste it on my caption and hashtagged #lifegoals)

But tbh I don’t really know where I’m headed and I’m afraid my uncertainty might be too much of a burden on you. Oh did I mention I have a weird accent that you might not be able to understand and I would feel bad for not be able to communicate properly with you?

See you couldn’t tell all that from my profile right?

Though I wonder why I always end up reverting back to it even though I thought I’ve decided to completely swear off all these apps……ahh the glorious habits of human nature, funny isn’t it?

I’m afraid he’ll see the sides of me that I’m embarrassed about myself.

My incompetency.

The fact that I’m actually not experienced in the field of dating and romance; when I feel competent in other aspects (or it could be the super messed up idea that I don’t feel competent in everything in general)

I don’t know much skills in bed. I don’t know what to do, how to feel. Sorry I didn’t think of taking a sex course in school back then. Growing up as a Christian didn’t help either. Talking about these kind of stuff was a taboo. I cover my eyes during sex scenes in movies (but peek through my fingers) and hide myself when I read erotic magazines, but I felt ‘dirty’ because I secretly yearned to live their life voraciously. I’ve never entered an ‘adult store’. I mean, I bought a dildo thinking it was a ‘massager’ for my back and shoulders.

I swear I wasn’t lying when I seriously thought it was to massage my body to ease my aching pains

The fact that I’m not that interesting after all and I still can’t do jack shit (like cook a proper meal), despite all the attempts I’ve done to improve myself and try to get as much experience in life as possible.

My habits.

I have habits that people might find it disgusting that only my family (and perhaps close friends) sees- essentially the people I can truly be myself with.

E.g. I like to put my feet on the dashboard of a car. I drop food stains on my laptop and wipe it off with my shirt. I pretty much re-wear my clothes without washing in between as long as it doesn’t stink. I drool when I sleep. I eat a lot. I don’t know. You might think I’m a glutton. But I also have this sick relationship with food sometimes. I love food but I’m afraid of gaining weight. Cause If I gain weight it reminds me of my childhood crush calling me ‘fat’. Was that why he didn’t like me? Does it mean if I become ‘fat’ now people wouldn’t like me anymore?

I lick my food processor after making peanut butter and I leave my clothes in a pile in my room. My mum says I’m messy. I don’t think so. I mean I rarely fall sick considering I’m ‘dirty’ . So I don’t know. Maybe that’s not motherly material for you and might turn you off. Just a heads up. Oh also I’m not crazy over dogs or cats. I prefer frogs and cows. But I’m not Vegan either. I don’t bother with a skin care routine or make up or handbags or high heels. My sense of style consist of tank tops and track pants. I don’t know. Some people might think that’s not feminine. Perhaps closer to a hippie even.

My demands.

I don’t like kissing for too long because my lips get dry and that’s uncomfortable. (Doesn’t help that I used to suffer from lip dryness till it cracked and bled for a couple of years during my younger days and I’m really afraid to go through that again)

I’m not a fan of cuddling when I sleep. I need my own sleeping space. If you snore you’ll even have to sleep a different room. Sorry but I NEED my sleep because it affect my state of my mind which affect everything else in my life- and my life is important. When I don’t get enough sleep I feel shitty about myself, my confidence goes out the window, negativity overwhelms me…so trust me it’s not good for me or the people around me and that includes you. That is unless you can prescribe me a magical pill that guarantees me great sleep in any circumstances (and trust me I’ve been praying for that everyday).

I want someone who can give me my space. I need time alone, to do ‘boring’ shit like journal, read, origami etc. (unless you’re willing to do it with me). I don’t always feel like having sex all the time (doesn’t it make more sense to create something meaningful to society together instead of making more babies and contributing to overpopulation). Essentially, I want someone whom is willing to walk the journey of growth and explore the meaning of life with me.

I want to get along with your friends and family and I want you to get along with mine as well. Because my life does not revolve only around your existence and neither is yours around mine. Plus, life is much more worth living with a camaraderie you can be unapologetically yourself with.

Call me superficial but I need to be attracted to you physically. No you don’t have to be Captain America but perhaps you’ll have to lose the beer belly. Oh and broad, defined shoulders and arms are definitely a plus (come on let’s be real, which girl wouldn’t fantasize a guy sweeping her off her feet, literally)

And for me, the idea of being able to do partner acrobatics together

I’m afraid of (future) rejection.

Or more so:

I’m afraid that the person that I have developed feelings for will make my “mean girl” powerful and my negative self-talk tangible and real If I ever DO get rejected.

I’m not worthy or pretty enough to be loved. I don’t have anything or didn’t do anything to deserve a relationship. I’m useless to people etc.

I’m afraid not that they reject the “ME” now, but they will reject the “ME” that might possibly revert to my old self, or a self that is worst than before.

Every time I look back at my old photos, I cringe. I still couldn’t accept that self as worthy and beautiful. The fat, ugly, boyish-looking kid with all sort of health issues and is never good enough for anything.

In conclusion: I might break your heart. I might not be able to live up to your expectations. I might disappoint you.

I want to think I’m not a bad person. I want to think I’m striving to be the best person I can be. But sometimes when I don’t fulfill expectations, it’s hard to see the good side of me. I guess that is what shame does to people.

To describe my life like pools of water:

When it comes to the pool of career, finance, friendship etc. I’m adventurous enough to take the risk and step into the deeper waters, probably even excited to put my goggles on and start exploring; but when it comes to the pool of romance, I’m hesitant; give me flippers and floaters and I might still tremble.

It’s as if I rather be destitute, or lose my status than be heartbroken.

Why is that the case? I’m guessing everything stems from my childhood. The need to prove to my ‘friends’ that being pretty is not everything. It’s not a measure of my worthiness to be loved. Or I thought I didn’t need to be loved. I can be independent and still live a meaningful life. That I can do better in life than my prettier counterparts. That I can do without the need to look more like my sister, the need to be skinny, the need to have big eyes, fair skin and rosy cheeks. Yet for some reason some part of me might still believe that that holds true…or maybe I’m not that independent as I want to think I am.

Anyway. Protect the younger generations. Watch what you say to them. Their childhood affect their lives and beyond. Especially the cancer ♋️ kids. They’re a bunch of overly sensitive and emotional souls I tell ya.

For people who face a similar predicament as I do:

Question your thinking and beliefs, recall your upbringing (most likely traumatized from childhood abuse- whether its physical, mental, emotional or all of the above), develop your awareness, acknowledge your pain, share your shame with ones you trust, then either accept your situation or take baby steps to change. When you lose your awareness you will default. Change is indeed not easy but it’s possible. Change is progressive and rarely instantaneous.

And overall you might see that the pool might not be that deep after-all.

Oh man also that felt good to get this off my chest (for a bit). I guess Im just really scared to tell people face to face or express certain insecurities I have because I’m afraid to see what their reaction would be. But I feel if I don’t get this out I’ll be forever stuck in this state that perhaps I’m just meant to be single or that people shouldn’t like me because they don’t know the real me.

But in actual fact when I talk about my shame it actually frees me from the shame. I acknowledge that I’m imperfect. And that’s ok. I tell myself. I don’t have to save the world. But as long as I don’t hurt anyone in the process.

Though If you feel hurt by my presence, I apologize and you can leave me, and I hope you find a better friend/companion/creature to surround yourself with. The population in this world is huge and land aplenty ya know.

What would people think of me now? Oh well if you’re reading this and it makes you think differently about me (whether in a good or bad way) and if I end up having no friends or romance…at least I’m at peace with myself and I have my family who I know accepts me regardless of who and how I am:)

Anybody out there that can relate?

Anyway, thank you for reading (my rants lol)!

Follow me at Instagram: @thesunyogii if you’re curious about my life of single-hood;)