I’m no alcoholic, but a sugarholic ain’t any better

Acknowledging my addiction to anything sweet

One answer you will often hear people say when they get the question:

“What do you think of Tien/Cin/Tien-Cin/whatever nickname I have…?”

She LOVES desserts! (or [insert anything sweet])

I’m known for;

The one who ask to hang out over desserts rather than a meal

The one who looks up desserts spot when travelling to a new place

The one who brings desserts to a potluck/party

The one who give desserts as gifts

The one who bakes to procrastinate……

I’m the ‘Queen of desserts’, essentially

It doesn’t help that ‘Tien’ translated to Chinese(甜)=‘sweet’

It’s something to be proud of and feel good about when you’re deemed the ‘Queen of [sport]/[soft skill]/[technical skill]/etc.’

Queen of desserts though?

I used to think it was an honour, because it makes me feel like I have an identity- and felt belonged and recognized as part of a community.

Until I stepped on the scale after 2 years……

I’ve gained 30 lbs since the last time I remembered, no way. This can’t be true. *checks calibration *takes off my clothes *goes to the bathroom

Weighs again.

No budge. Fuck.

I’m back to the fat, pudgy 15 year old me.

The kid that I have been trying to avoid. The kid that has body image issues. The kid that has all the insecurities.

Ok well, lose the weight then! Just cut the sugar.

CUT THE SUGAR?!

Imagine If I can no longer give sweets as gifts

Imagine If I no longer bake for fun because of the temptations to eat after

Imagine If I no longer like to travel because I don’t know what else to do other than dessert-hopping

Imagine losing my sense of self-worth

It’s like telling an alcoholic to ‘just cut the alcohol’ -I know, BS right.

Plus we all know how tasty sugar can be. We are wired to love sugar.

Sugar is a drug.

This means i’m no better than a drug addict.

Any addiction/obsession is unhealthy. Even to something healthy. To coffee; to exercise, to helping others and neglecting self-care etc…

This is when I spiral into a love-hate relationship with desserts (or food in general)

After analyzing my situation, this is what I’ve discovered:

I love baking because it lets me be creative and I gain satisfaction when people acknowledges my ‘talent’.

I fear that people would think I’m a Wuss for cutting out sugar and trying to be a health freak.

Yet.

I’m afraid of getting ‘fat’ for fear of being scorned or called out as a hypocrite- never trust a fat personal trainer/nutritionist, most people would say unfortunately.

I felt lost as I lose that one sole trait that that I finally had that is considered ‘pretty’ within the Asian community- a ‘thigh gap’

In essence, I have a serious case of FOPO (Fear of other people’s opinions)

Recognizing that-

I will seek to do more of what makes me happy rather than what other people think that I should be doing.

I will seek to do what is best for me- mentally and physically.

I will seek to pursue other interest that distract me away from food (like writing/reading etc.).

I will be optimistic that I can change. That I am worthy of good things(food) and experiences.

I will seek to do things that add values to others without sabotaging my own values.

I will not judge others based on whatever lifestyle/habits they choose. Everybody is different, there is no good, bad or better. So being who you are is not “wrong”.

I will not let myself attach or conform to any particular identity.

So next time If we’re together and, I ordered a salad and refused a dessert…I hope you’ll understand.

Thanks for understanding=)

TC